Ideal Driving for Dummies by Jen and Amanda

Where is the only place to read the NY Times, apply purple lipstick, crank Nikki Minaj, and eat a burrito all at once? In a car going 75 mph down the interstate at night! But wait. There’s more. For all the new drivers out there, your parents will have a smile pasted on their faces for life when they hear this: Only fifty-seven payments of $1895.66 per driver’s ed course, stolen GPSs, damage to other cars in the Hannaford parking lot, insurance, learner’s permit, insurance, broken taillight, driver’s handbook, insurance, deflated tire, extra photos for the license picture, insurance, dead air-conditioner, and oh, did I mention insurance is included in this once in a lifetime deal? With the cheap price and minimal payments, the package of driver education is accessible and can be quickly repeated for the next child who needs seventy more hours of driving. This offer is a limited time only, and this is the only place in the entire world selling such an inexpensive driving deal at high quality. Your parents will thank you for not busting their wallets open.

Statistically speaking, drivers kill more game than hunters. This is a terrific way to grab some dinner on the go and even provide leftovers for your family. It’s like a run-over drive-thru, only more convenient and without the long lines of little kids whining about burnt burgers. Forget eye-spy and the license plate game. Playing the road-kill game can be fun for the entire family. It’s a fun way to bond in the car while also eating well! Catching game with the hood is not only suspenseful and an adrenaline rush, it is also a key factor in reducing the red-shouldered raptors and Mexican bobcat populations throughout the state in order to control overpopulation. We are contributing to environment protection by lowering endangered species that would have taken over major bodies of land.

To save some money, don’t have the car manufacturer install an airbag. Many cost $1000, and on the black market they are only fifty bucks. Rest assured that your parents will be feeling complete pride in you, THEIR kid, who saved hundreds of dollars on useless plastic and air and invested her money on fuzzy dice for the rear-view mirror instead.

There are six major requirements all drivers must follow:

1. Take up three parking spaces, at least
2. Refuse to use turn signals. Who needs that obnoxious clicking sound?
3. Roll through stop signs
4. Run over puppies and babies
5. At the minimum, make sure one tail-light is out in order to chat with cops on a weekly basis
6. Do refrain from turning right on red. Especially at midnight in a small town where absolutely no cars are passing by.

As we all know, there is zero-tolerance for sober drivers. Sober drivers who can think clearly and make logical decisions are the leading cause of death for America’s drunk drivers. Today, one of the top concerns mothers’ have is toward their child’s safety when driving. Every day drunk drivers are killed by vicious sober drivers, trees, and lightposts. Around 1,000 children under fourteen are killed each year in motor vehicle accidents. 17% of the fatalities were due to alcohol impairment whereas 83% were due to sober driving. Every two minutes, an innocent drunk driver dies from a sober driver crash. Sober driving needs to be prevented, and children should be taught to bring that extra 6-pack.

Using this new and improved guide to driving, one will be the best driver on the road! Oh, and don’t forget, road rage is essential.